Do you ever have problems with slugs eating your cabbages? Are you sick and tired of finding trails of slime all over your garden furniture? Well then you'll love SLUG LORD, the fastest and most efficient way to kill all unwanted garden pests since crop dusting with Agent Orange was made illegal. Once you've used SLUG LORD, you'll wonder how you ever got by without it.

Unlike most rival products, SLUG LORD do not rely on pellets to drive the squishy varmints from your lawn. Instead, this mighty Finnish product relies on Doom Metal to get the job done. That's right, there'll be no mounds of toxic metaldehyde scattered among the grass, just raw, crushing Doom Metal. Just ask this scientist:

"Uh..."

He'll tell you that new research has shown Doom Metal to be the most potent form of music for ridding yourself of unwanted molluscs and with SLUG LORD, the application could not be simpler. Just set your speakers facing out the window, press play and that's it. All you need to do is relax while SLUG LORD does its job.

It all begins with "Orgy With The Dead" a masterful sixteen minutes of slow burn misery. From the down-tuned guitars to the plodding, funereal percussion, everything about this song is designed to reverberate deeply through the soil, shake the sensory tentacles and draw the slugs in close. The anguished, low register vocals and hallucinatory guitars all work in harmony to confuse and disorient, before "Triumphant Drunk" shatters their fragile bodies into mush! This bluesy, ELECTRIC WIZARD-esque number is a cider drenched slab of classic Doom that perfectly captures the feel of wandering in the general direction of home while heavily intoxicated at 3am and no slug will be able to withstand it.

But Metal Temple I hear you ask? What about the slugs that were too far away to be drawn in and wiped out by these two songs? What can help me dispatch them?

The answer my friend is "Cremation" possibly the heaviest track on offer. There's not a latecomer to the mollusc massacre that won't be shaken into gelatinous death by this speaker-blowing number. And just in case that wasn't enough, there's still "Vortex" and the excellent "Gastropoda" to finish the buggers off. The latter indeed is so powerful that it's guaranteed to prevent any future slug incursions by killing off all the plants as well. In fact SLUG LORD won't just solve your slug problem, it'll also kill any snails, flies, crickets, spiders, owls, dogs or fence hoppers that dare to cross into your garden. Not cats though, for some reason it doesn't work on cats.

But don't take my word for it, give SLUG LORD a try! For Doom is a heavy thing, but rarely is it powerful enough to lay waste to entire stretches of the English countryside and leave it a blackened, desolate ruin. The slugs will never return and neither will anything else. Available for a limited time only.

May cause irreversible damage to the lungs and spinal cord.