This is an unexpected turn of events. I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned in all of this. Basically, my editor-in-chief asked of his minions who would be brave enough to review SHADOWS FALL's newest release, "Fire From the Sky". Being a sarcastic smartass, I told him to send it my way if he wanted someone to give it a terrible review and not like it in any way. He must have missed all or part of that, because he actually gave it to me. Well, alrighty.

SHADOWS FALL is one thosebands. By that, I'm referring to Metalcore. Oh Metalcore, how I utterly despise your terribly over-done vocals, excessive down-tuning, overly percussive bass and guitar work, and obnoxious obsession with breakdowns. These stupid fucking kids today; every song needs to have breakdowns as often as possible so we can all "hardcore dance" - wherein we attempt to kick the floor and punch the ceiling at the same time like a chimpanzee with down's syndrome trying to do anything, really. Then after the breakdown is over, we can all compare our Emo fringes and see who has the ugliest ear gauges. I hope I'm insulting this scene enough, because I don't usually get to do it in any professional forum. If I ever get the chance, I'll make sure to smear it in front of the United States' House of Representatives.

Basically, the main theme I'm driving at is that Metalcore is for losers and assholes. Yes, I am disparaging an entire genre of music in this review. I feel like I can, and I will.

As for this specific release, let me say this: It's not the utmost horrendous pile of steaming shit that it could be. I still don't care for the terrible vocal work, and the breakdowns that are present are about as exciting as watching someone you don't like eat oatmeal. However, the guitar work does earn some good marks for some well-written riffs here or there. The actual music does have its good parts. But that's the thing about having some good parts: it usually implies there is a larger, shittier side we spend more time with. And it's there.

Where is the shit side, you ask? It's in the vocal work, for one thing. One minute we have clean, harmonized vocals, and then we add in multiple layers of death grunts, rough Thrash Metal-ly growls, and some Hardcore shouts. Yes, that is exactly what I want: vocalists that don't know what the fuck to do, so they do everything - sometimes all at the same fucking time. There is also a filthy turd hidden in the lyrics themselves. Listen to what they are saying and tell me it's not the lame ramblings of a fifteen-year-old who just discovered the basics of trying to sound deep and profound without knowing how to really be deep and profound. Also, I don't know the drummer in any personal way, nor have I met him or seen him play, but fuck him. I just have the idea that he is a total douchebag who shaves his chest and has a tribal tattoo somewhere. I can give the bassist a pass, because he has about the same sound presence for me as he would if I were in a fucking coma. By that, I mean I can barely hear him.

Well, I'm really tired of being in this territory. At the end of the day, I don't care about the decent guitar and lead work, because all I can really remember is the terrible vocals and other Metalcore-ish things I didn't like because I don't like Metalcore.

The lesson here is "Next time your boss asks if anyone will do him a favour, keep your damn mouth shut and just work on your KREATOR review some more"; or something close to that. If this band were a sweet old woman in a wheelchair, I'd grab the thing and politely help her roll her chair up that steep hill to her quant little home.

Then violently shove her back down.