The first time I heard DOT LEGACY was also the most recent time I got shot at. I was given a promo copy of their self-titled debut album solely for the purpose of writing this very review that you are reading right now. I made a promise that I would get this review in on time and by the time you finish reading this sentence, I will have to go back to digging that hole I have to dump what's left of Cook into.

I burned this album onto a CD and brought it with me on my journeys to and from the robberies I participate in. I don't rob the banks myself, of course, that's way too risky for me. I am not as quick on my feet as I am on four wheels. All I do is supply the getaway ride for the robbers. My only condition is that the passengers have to listen to whatever music I am playing. The day I decided to play DOT LEGACY was not a day that went all too well.

See the plan was for Cook to rob this pawnshop. Cook is an ex-convict who needed some help robbing this store so he could have at least some money to pay off his former criminal partners he owed some money to. He said that the owner of this Pawn Store kept forty grand in cash in the store safe and his friend knew the combination. This friend he was talking about was named Blanche, this tall, redheaded beauty with these epic curves that... I'm rambling now, sorry. The plan was for Blanche and I to stay in the car while Cook would get the money and he would grant me a cool ten grand to get us out of there alive. I was more worried about Cook than me. I am a hell of a getaway driver. So we all piled into my car and I popped in the DOT LEGACY promo on our way to the heist.

"Kennedy" was the first track that played and Blanche gave me this really weird look. I turned around in my seat and glared back at her without blinking until she turned her head towards the window and I shifted into first gear. As we began to take off, I can tell you I was pretty confused by the music. I was under the impression that this music was supposed to be "Post-Metal" but I kept wondering when the Metal was going to kick in. The oddity of the music continued to swim around through the speakers of my car and from glances I would make to the rear-view mirror, I could tell it was making Cook really uneasy. Perhaps he was expecting a metal album as well.

It certainly was far from the worst music I had ever heard. DOT LEGACY certainly added a dream-like vibe to the robbery. It seemed like nothing that was going on was real at all; like I was only making this up as it went along using fragmented memories from a movie I had seen before*. By the time we reached the pawnshop, I put the car in park as the stereo bellowed out the track "Pyramid", which was a bizarre psychedelic Post-Rock track with the lead singer rapping over it. Cook withdrew the Magnum .44 from his waist strap and my eyes shot open. I didn't know he was going to be packing such a cannon for this job! "Keep this muthafucker running," said Cook as he pulled the pantyhose over his head. "This will only take five minutes!" Blanche stared at Cook with terrified green eyes, parting those ruby red lips of hers to inhale a quick gasp. My eyes were fixated on Blanche's enormous breasts. They were quite possibly the greatest pair of tits I have ever seen in my entire life. Cook leapt out of the car and ran toward the front door. I kept my eyes fixated on that Cook as he barged through the door. "Gorilla Train Station" came on the stereo. It was just Blanche and I, this voluptuous beauty sitting in the back seat of my car. "What's this band called," asked Blanche, facing the stereo with a puzzled look on her face. "DOT LEGACY," I told her. "They are a brand new Post-Metal band from France". "This music is really weird," she said after listening to the effects in the song that sounded like R2-D2's mating call. "It sounds like what you would get if AMERICAN FOOTBALL and KYUSS had a baby and it was born with Autism. It's making me awfully uncomfortable".

I really wanted to say to her 'I think if you slipped out of that shirt you would be a lot more comfortable' but I didn't. I had to keep my mind on the job at hand, not Blanche's chest. I guess she didn't exactly like the music but what surprised me most was that she was a KYUSS fan. I wasn't exactly digging DOT LEGACY either. It sure made for weird getaway music and we weren't even burning rubber yet. Suddenly gunshots! Cook comes running out of the pawnshop with a bag of cash in one hand and his gun in the other. All the blood in my body sank into my feet and my hands gripped at the steering wheel tightly. Blanche leaned over to the front door to pop the door hatch. I get the best look at her cleavage yet. And then I saw the storeowner follow Cook. He was bleeding and holding a shotgun, aiming it straight at Cook. First, I see smoke leave the gun and then the next thing I know, Cook's undershirt is turning red from the buckshot ripping through his back. "Rumbera" starts to play, and the Latin rhythms and Spanish lyrics seem to fit this chaos seamlessly. Maybe I underestimated this band? I peel out as the storeowner begins to aim his gun at Cook again.

Blanche screamed at me to go as the storeowner fired another slug into Cook's back as he lied dead on the dusty ground. The car swerved onto the asphalt just as the storeowner aimed the shotgun at my car. I heard the a few grains of buckshot puncture through my rear fender but Blanche and I made it out alive. We got away without any of that money and now Cook was dead. I dropped Blanche off as a shady looking motel. She was catatonic and I don't think she was in the mood for anything other than an hour or two to curl into a fetal position. I knew I would never see her again. "3 a.m." started to play and a single tear of loneliness and disappointment washed over me.

I ejected the DOT LEGACY promo from my car CD player and snapped the disc in half. The music was halfway decent but nothing all that special. Besides, I just couldn't listen to DOT LEGACY again after all of that. It just reminds me of Cook too much.

*If you think this review was based on a true story, you need to stop believing everything you read online and go watch the movie Drive. You can thank me later. - H.P.