As a fellow musician, I do my best to be as open-minded and accepting as I can to new bands I hear. Writing music isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what genre you decide to play. Some of the best bands to ever hit the stage all have a few things in common: they're all comprised of musicians that are extremely talented, they all have spent their entire lives learning their instruments and challenging themselves, and they all understand the importance of the passion, poetic undertone, and performance (the three P's) that goes into writing amazing songs. This is why we love them. They truly are masters at what they do, and the music they create is of another world. I don't have to list any of those bands here, you KNOW who I'm talking about.

Not every band is going to get it right, and I realize this, which is why I give them the benefit of the doubt. A voice crack? Meh. A overly-repetitive verse? Could be a lot worse. Hell, I'll even forgive a generic, run-of-the-mill sound so long as it's played well, tight, and makes musical sense. I'm not out to condemn any band. I've played in numerous dive bars before...to 6 people..including the bartenders and sound man...as the headliner...on a Tuesday night. I KNOW how hard it is to be in a band and try to get people to enjoy your music.

This is why I had such a hard time with the self-titled release from the Swiss "Post Apocalyptic Metal" band CLAW. For starters...they're calling themselves "Post Apocalyptic Metal"...like that's actually a THING, as if somewhere hidden within the endless racks of music genres in your shitty local music shop, there lies an actual catalogued genre of music entitled "Music to Mad Max To". Okay okay, so obviously someone had to create the rock and make it roll before it was okay to label your band a Rock n' Roll band, and Grunge wasn't a thing until someone started calling it that, but this is a bit much. What's next, Hardcore Steam Punk Rock?! (Let me shut up before I encourage that nonsense.)

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started this CD. The opening track is the standard short epic opener, perfect for walking out onto the stage to the cheers and woo's from the 8 people you bugged enough to come see you play. From there, the next track, aptly titled "Out Of The Vault" breaks loose, with a nice generic guitar riff. Now it starts to make sense to me why they've labeled their music with such a silly moniker. 45 seconds in and I swear I'm watching the opening to the Fist Of The North Star Japanese Anime or something. It's catchy, it's unoriginal, and it only takes me a few lines to realize that these are some of the dumbest lyrics I've ever heard. "Alpha 13" is up next, and the lyrics couldn't say it any better. "As time goes by, things keep getting worse and worse..." Again, the music itself is mediocre at best. I wouldn't say that the members CLAW suck at their instruments, because they definitely don't. They're just playing a very stale, aged version of metal that no one under the age of 40 is really going to appreciate. You've heard these riffs and bridges before, you've heard the drumming before, and it's all backdrop to poorly written lyrics and singing that reminds you of every terrible Open Mic Night you had the misfortune of going to..or worse, having to play.

Okay, here's the part where you the reader think I'm being a hard ass for no reason. "Dude, give them a break..they're from Switzerland man. Maybe it's like..different over there." And to that, I've prepared this speech:

"No."

If I had to list all the awesome Black Metal, Thrash Metal, Doom Metal, and Death metal bands that have come out of Switzerland, this wouldn't be a review, it would be a reference manual and an accompanying 4 hour audio book. Being from overseas is no excuse, this is just BAD, and nothing that a later generation metalhead is going to want to listen to. Honestly, I know some older guys who upon hearing this band would probably pull a disgusted face like, "........what's THIS shit?!"

What's really going to make you claw your eyeballs out is that it doesn't ever redeem itself! I almost wish they would just be an instrumental band, but that would just put people to sleep, no doubt. Track 7, entitled "Sandstorm" (really?) plays like an early Rammstein track, but with worse singing. I wasn't even aware that was possible. The guitar work from Morattel and Borgeaud isn't overly technical at all unless you count the solos, which you don't. Despite Glycy's par-for-the-course drumming, the lead vocals from Prensilevich are nothing short of weak and slightly awkward at times, like the real lead singer of the band motioned for Prensilevich to come up onstage and sing the next one to everyone's extreme disapproval (listen to the track "My Arch Enemy" and cringe).

Again, I'm not purposely trying to dislike this band, but through the course of 13 tracks, they just kept making it easier and easier for me to say "NO" to CLAW. The demographic of people who will probably find this band enjoyable is almost laughable. There just isn't much to grasp onto, and seasoned metal fans will want to steer clear of it, unless of course you get your jollies from listening to bands JUST so you can make fun of them. If CLAW is going to...claw their way to the top, they'll need to seriously revise their sound...

...and STOP trying to make "Post Apocalyptic Metal" happen. It's NEVER going to happen.