Alright, time for a bit of honesty. I like to be honest to whatever followers I have. Not for any moral reasons, but because right now the best thing is for me to just say that I didn't finish this album. Yes, I did not listen to it all the way. Couldn't make it. Got to "Somewhere Else to Be" and I realized I would rather be covered in tar and thrown screaming into a lava-pit then go on any further.

I mean, I tried. But it was so mind numbingly boring I reached a point where I was seriously making funny voices with my hands and having them fight each other because my right hand is tired of my left hand cheating on it with my penis. My limbs are a dramatic bunch. Then I made shadow puppets and everyone began feeling better.

Now, I know what you are thinking, besides finding the preceding dick joke unnecessary and unfunny, and that's that it can't be fair to write a professional review of a product without having finished it. Well to that I say "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" If you were served a literal shit sandwich, I don't think anyone would hold it against you if you took one bite and said, "This is unappetizing, I don't want anymore." Only those hipster douchebags would judge you for not finishing the sandwich first before coming to a conclusion.

It's not really the fault of the musicians, I guess. Well, it is. It's just not enticing. It's power metal I've certainly heard before. They literally do nothing that hasn't been done before again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again by other bands not worth mentioning here. The musical work is all fine I guess, but they don't bring much of anything new to the table. It's like listening to the audio equivalent of someone's drawing of the Last Supper. Yes, that is a nice drawing of something that's been done before, but it's been done before. Why not use that skill to do something a little more interesting?

Yes, maybe the tracks I couldn't soldier through were the most amazing musical creations anyone ever recorded barring everything involving Chuck Schuldiner. But I seriously doubt it on the same level as I doubt God's existence or my virgin friend Matt and the supposed girl "Sarah" he met at some distant party and "slept with". Yeah.....sure.

I haven't gone into specific detail about this album, and in fact I haven't even named it specifically - and I won't. I don't feel like it. Hell, some of the songs are literally slow enough to slip into a damn coma throughout and not miss a fucking thing. Speaking of comas, I wouldn't mind it if this entire band slipped into one.

While driving.