Dimmu Borgir!

Trust me; I claim no originality in designating Dimmu Borgir as THE worst offender in 2010 of all the bands out there with some degree of success that can still be considered "metal" (even if their previous sub-genre tag, "black metal," has been changed to a more appropriate "rainbow metal"). I am well aware of their status as proverbial punching bags, however, despite some great music, 2010 was a year full of terrible bands, albums and songs. It takes an almost respectable amount of talent to beat out the 8293 death-core and crab-core releases that came out this year, not to mention Rob Halford singing songs about boxing and NASCAR on his most recent LP. So here are some of Dimmy Burger's biggest crimes that separate them not only from everything else this year, but from other years in Dimmu Borgir's past where they had already set remarkably low standards.

1. Shagrath's Costumes: Anyone that has seen the video for "Gateways" has seen his ridiculous costume where he has horns and looks like a tauntaun from Star Wars.

He is also proud enough of this costume that he wears it when he performs live. In fact, he has the audacity to execute a costume change during many sets during 2010 tours. This is metal here, not Lady Gaga or Michael Jackson (although with Shagrath's white powder/makeup on his face he does look eerily reminiscent of the recently deceased Jacko)

2.The Title of the Album: Abrahadabra...'nuff said.

3. Symphonic Elements: (Full Disclosure) I actually really like 2003's "Death Cult Armageddon." I thought that the presence of the Prague Philharmonic Orchestra really took the music to a whole new level, and the band was smart enough to stay sufficiently distant so as to not screw it up. Abrahadabra employs the Norwegian Radio Orchestra. Hear the difference? I do. It certainly does not help that the band's music (which on this album is bearable at best) often overwhelms the orchestra, and even then much of the orchestra's music seems tacked-on and almost gimmicky. Perhaps the departure of Mustis and ICS Vortex affected this band more than Shagrath and co. let on?

4. Stage Names of the New Members: According to the band's press releases, along with vocalist Shagrath, the other two members of Dimmu Borgir are guitarists Silenoz and Galder. But you cannot play live shows with pre-recorded keyboards, drums AND bass can you? Of course not, so Dimmu has recruited some session/live members to fill out the lineup. We have "Daray" on drums, "Cyrus" on bass and "Brat" on keyboards. Stage names were always rather silly, but at least most of them sounded "metal" like "Grave Violator," "Butcher" and "Mantas" (ten metal cred points if you can name what bands those three were from). These are gay. No word yet if the rumors are true that their next record is going to be co-produced by "Bieber" and "Love."

5. Change in the Album Cover Art: A short while after Abrahadabra was released, it was revealed that all of the CDs were being recalled because there was to be a change in the cover art. There was no real reason given for this change, but the good news, according to the press release, is that albums with the old art are now collectables! Let's be honest here, the main difference between the two is that the weird face thing (on the left) is replaced with a skull (on the right), probably in a misguided attempt to make it look more evil and stuff

There is no real way to determine whether the change has impacted sales or not, but it increased my desire to purchase Abrahadabra by ten times! Unfortunately for them 10 times 0 is still zero.

While there are other crimes that are not mentioned above (those "harsh" female vocals on "Gateways," the whole Snowy Shaw incident, the underutilization of Andy Sneap's talents, the mostly lousy music to name a few), I do not want to keep you reading about Dimmu Borgir any more than you have to be. It may seem like things could never be this bad in 2011, but I hear that Rose Tattoo is in the studio...