FINAL CRY – Zombique
“Like a Rapist with No Hands…”
Written by Big Bear Buchko

Over of the course of the last three days, I have sat at my computer – cigar in mouth, pipe in hand – listening to this record. I have listened to Zombique five times from front to back. First, I have to wonder the two possible pronunciations of this album title. Is it Zom-bique - as in Mozambique? Or is it Zom-B-Que - like some kind of undead backyard weekend potluck? I feel like it’s probably the first one, as the band seems to take itself pretty seriously, but since the 2^nd one makes me giggle… ZomBQue it is! But also, why did I listen to it five times?

Like a rapist with no hands, this could not grab me. It wanted to. It tried. Oh, how it did try. But not once in those three days and five times was this record able to keep my attention. I’d get a few songs in and then I’d end up checking my phone or messing with my lighter, starting a game, or just daydreaming about upcoming vacations. Before I knew it, the album was over, and I’d basically forgotten to pay attention for quite a few minutes in a row there. I’d start it again, right about where I’d zoned out, and then a couple tracks later, I’m back thinking about what life would be like as Mr. Tilda Swinton. (I don’t care what you think; that is one sexy, weird-ass, bug-lady. Call me.) I’d restart it three or four times, and I knew when it was over by the sudden appearance of a synthetic-sounding black metal “orchestra.” Shit, I’d say, I did it again. Okay, back back back back bac- ah, there we go. Okay. Continuing on. And this is what happened…. all. five. times.

I cannot tell you “Bluebeard's Chamber” from “Walk with the Dead,” “Zombiac” from “Maggot Maroon,” and the only way I can tell first from last was that they’re both bookending indulgences for atmosphere and theatrics, with no actual song contained within. It’s not that it’s bad, because it’s not bad. It’s just also not very good either. The guitarists are capable, but it sounds generic. The drummer is fine, but could easily just be a drum machine. The vocals are present, but they lack power and fire. Final Cry sounds like the band you would receive if you went into a McDonald’s and ordered “One heavy metal, please.” I don’t know if I’m invited to the ZomBQue, but I could go either way on attending.

Understand, I am not coming down on the band. I’m not saying anything about them personally because, honestly, they’re talented. They’re good at what they do. It’s kind of like a commercial jingle; it takes a lot of talent to make something sound palatable. If this was a movie and you needed [NON-DESCRIPT HEAVY METAL PLAYING IN BACKGROUND], Zombique is the record you want. Or if you were driving and needed to think but didn’t want to coast around in silence, Zombique is the record you want. It’s speed metal if sold at Target. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not for me. Either thrill me, incense me, push me, kill me, or fuck me. I need spirit, and this just doesn’t have that. Again, it’s not bad. It’s… for the genre, honestly, about as mid as you can get.

For a proper review, ideally, you talk through about half (or a little more) of the tracks on the album. I struggle to do that here. Simply because there’s not enough variation in sound or theme to differentiate one song from another. Each song just kind of exists. The worst of it all is that I saw it coming with the opening track; the Spirit Halloween animatronic-named “Gates of Hell” – and their usage of the classic “…the dead shall walk the earth” sample from Dawn of the Dead that I’ve heard on at least a dozen other albums before by a dozen other artists. It’s a band offering a generic song title with a generic sample to open a generic album. I even feel like I should end this article on a mid-range observation. That’d be cool.